Wednesday, October 20, 2010

My Closet



This is a picture of my linen closet. It's simple and organized and everything has a place. I don't have a before picture, but to give you a visual, Tallan and Keslie had successfully taken everything off the shelves while I was making dinner last night. Everything. Blankets, towels, and bedding were thrown all over our upstairs. It was chaos! It pretty much gave me anxiety just looking at the mess and thinking about the amount of work it was going to take to put it all back together.


As I started refolding everything, I decided it was as good a time as any to start cleaning out and making some changes. All 3 sets of crib bedding I had been storing in that closet are now gone. So are all of the baby blankets and cutesie burp cloths. The beach towels are a little higher on the shelves now that they won't be used for awhile. The blankets are a little more accessible. Time to move on and start a new season of life.


The past 6 months of life in our house, have been a little like the before picture of my closet. It's been chaotic and filled with anxiety and looking at life and thinking about how to put it all back together was hard. I struggled to give my husband and kids the attention they needed and deserved. I ignored what should have been a priority and I wasn't taking care of myself either. As long as I wasn't in the car alone or in the shower, I was really good at pretending I was okay, but every once in awhile, reality took center stage over my acting.


Sunday, a friend of mine gave a lesson in Relief Society and mentioned how bad she felt about herself while reading other people's blogs because everyone's lives seem so perfect in the blogging world. Everyone's kids are perfect. Everyone's husbands are perfect. All of the perfect neighborhood moms get together during the day and do perfect motherly things with their kids. Everyone's family vacations are perfect. Everyone has perfect holidays with their parents. That's why I'm writing this. For the past 6 months I haven't wanted to write a blog, and I rarely looked at anyone elses for that very reason. I felt like I was the only one whose life wasn't "perfect". But, it's time to be real and honest. It's time to start telling the truth and possibly admit what most people think but won't say out loud. Life is hard. Did you hear me? LIFE IS HARD!


So, like my closet, I'm cleaning out, I'm trying to get a fresh start. Hopefully with a little less chaos. A little more organization (since I successfully forgot about both of my kid's picture days at school this year), and a little more attention to detail...like my family. It's time to get rid of the things in my life that I can live without, that are just taking up space, just like in my closet. No more facade of "perfection". It's time to give the important things that are left, a place, and a priority, hopefully keeping it simple, with a little more organization. I know it's going to take some work, and it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
One of the first things going on the shelf...facing some fears. I have only been back down to Hurricane one time since my mom's funeral and that was to clean out her classroom 5 months ago. It was hard. It was one of the hardest things I have done and I have been scared to go back to visit my grandma, sister, brother, and their families ever since. Several times we have made plans to go down and then I would make an excuse not to at the last minute. We are planning on going to Hurricane for Thanksgiving this year. There! I've said it out loud. I've made the announcement to the world, well, to whoever reads this, and I'm going to follow through with it.
Here is to cleaning out the rest of my closet, being honest, and giving my life a new look...


12 comments:

Emily N. said...

Becky,

I realize that you don't know me as well as you know some of my sisters (Jessica, Megan, Jill--whichever ones you know best), but I have been reading and following your mom's struggle and your story for a while. I have admired you and have sensed your strength. Life is hard, and the process you have been through is as hard and as individual as almost any experience can be. I found the first holidays hard and quite hollow. Things weren't as they should have been. But good for you for committing to go to Hurricane. Take it one day at a time, give yourself time. It isn't easy, and you have so much to juggle, but your kids will be forgiving, and someday the pain of this year will hopefully not sting so much. Make today a good one! :)

Best to you and much love,
Emily Wilkinson Norton

Amber said...

Love you Girl and wish I was not so far away so that I could be a shoulder to cry on. I know I have said a million times that I am just a phone call away, but a phone call means that we both have to neglect our kids and sit and look at no one while we pour out our feelings..... just wishin I was livin next door....
I am proud of you for going down there next month! Every time you go, it will get easier. You will start to make new memories and then the old ones will become jewels. Hope to see you soon!

all that i love said...

O.k - First of all, no one is perfect and even though their blog and or life may seem perfect it's not. Everyone has there challenges. Everyone has good days and bad days, but the one thing that makes it all worth while is family. And you my friend have a pretty awesome family. You have a great husband who loves you and three beautiful, healthy kids who love you and all they want is your love and attention. Nothing more. Life is hard, but life is good. Simplify (great advice).

I'm glad you are going to visit your family for Thanksgiving. It's probably just what you need. I hope that we will be able to see you before you leave or after you get back. It's been year.

I know you have been through some pretty tough times over the past few years. More than most people should have to in a life time, but I do hope that you know that your Heavenly Father still loves you and knows your needs. That is why he has blessed you with strength, courage and of course a wonderful family. Stay strong. Smile more! You have a great life.

I for one am glad that you are going to update you blog more often. We love to know what's going on with the Flinders. We love you so much.

hi, i'm brooke! said...

you clean that closet girl!! there are so many aspects to what you just wrote, and i sure think you're great. and um, have you read my blog? SO full of imperfections. you're welcome to read and make yourself feel better anytime! =) muah!

Sarah said...

I feel the same way about blogging. Everyone's lives seems so perfect. It's really easy to get depressed about it. I just think that people like to write about the good/positive things in their lives. To write about all the imperfections and hard things is going beyond the privacy that most people are comfortable with, I think (although there are some who like to appear perfect, I'm sure). But it's important to always remember that everyone has them. I certainly do.

And AMEN! Life IS hard. I've gone through one of the hardest years of my life this year and I don't really see it getting much better next year either. Although it's been really horrible at times, it's also been one of the best. Because going through hard things makes us stronger. Life IS hard, but I think that's the whole point.

You are an amazing person Becky, and I remember always being jealous at how much energy you have and how many hobbies/talents you have. I don't know how you do it! I'm happy that you'll be blogging more- I bet Keslie's like a teenager by now- show us a picture of her!

Remember how we were going to talk on the phone that one time? We should totally do that. . .

Ricki said...

Facing your fears is the first step! You should be proud of yourself for recognizing, and then being willing to do something about it. I think about you guys a lot, all of you as the Ehorn children. I also struggle a lot with the "why's" of the whole situation. Though she was not my mother, I loved her and looked up to her as my St. George mom. I know it is going to be hard to live THIS life without her physically here, but thank goodness for the greater knowledge we are blessed with! We know she is not gone, she is still here and we will see her and all those that we have lost again. I am so comforted by this knowledge because I can't wait to see her smiling face and listen to her beautiful voice again. I also hope i get to witness the amazing reunion that your family is going to have with each other! You guys are all amazing. Don't feel like you are not perfect! You are perfectly you! That is all you anyone can ask of you, and I think you do you pretty well!

Julie Carlile said...

wow I wish my closets looked that neat :) Sorry, it has been a hard life lately. I totally agree with you. The other day I told Kambree "life sucks sometimes". She then started saying her new word "sucks" over and over again. I felt so bad that I added that word to her vocabulary. Hopefully things get easier. Love ya, and thinking about you lots.

basket 411 said...

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My daughter is a cancer survivor and I support the American Cancer Society by volunteering for Relay for Life so I enjoyed reading that you ran your race for them! I hope it went well. Best to you and your family.

I hope that you will continue to read our blog and find it helpful and fun!

Amber said...

you are the best . love you girl!!!

Jamie Jensen Hill said...

Well said! I'm with you, I can really only look at people's blogs when I'm in a certain mood - on days that are going well. Because on those other days (the more common kind) blogs tend to just tick me off a little, because life is HARD and everyone makes it look so easy! Your post was so real and got me thinking about my blog and how I perpetuate this "perfect life" image - only posting things I think will make my family seem "perfect" which we are SO far from. Anyway, thank you and good luck going to Hurricane! You are so brave to face your fears and I admire your courage. Love you!

Kam said...

I still think you're amazing Bex!!! Miss you! I hope life gets brighter for you in the upcoming months. Know that you are loved.

Adam and Melisa said...

Sometimes things happen in life that cause you to re-prioritize! And...they're usually hard things. I am still learning not to compare myself to other "perfect" mom's out there. Hey...I'm lucky if I remember to pick the boys up from pre-school! I think you're an amazing mom with an amazing family...I know a lot of people look up to you...I wish I could do all the things you do....I really wouldn't mind being a secret shopper either! (I didn't know that's what you do) Ok...basically I'm a terrible visiting teacher, but I'd really like to "chat" more with you!...as a friend! Maybe I'll call ya when I'm getting ready to clean out my closet!